Mood Killers

The NFL is back (or so I hear, I wouldn’t know, I’m a Niners fan). But there was still plenty of bummer moments to be had, starting first an first moment with the always half-mast Jaguars.

Blake Bortles seems like a nice and funny dude and is the namesake of the always hilarious Blake Bortles Wikipedia Reading Club. But man when you’re trying to throw the ball on the ground and it bounces off a dude’s a foot and into the opposing team’s hand? That’s some blue balls shit.

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The USMNT got their asses kicked by COSTA RICA! Hasn’t American taken enough L’s this week, give a girl something to look forward to for the love of god. Instead the boys were blown out 4-0 and managed just ONE (!) shot on target for the entire 90 minutes! That’s insane. That’s worse than a mood killer, that’s like finding out the dude you really like has a secret kink where he like to wear diapers and have you clean his shit up and treat him like a baby.

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Athletes and their model girlfriends, ugh. While I’m no Justin Verlander fan, if there’s one thing I hate, it’s being reminded that cute and not-cute athletes alike are having sex with girls ten times hotter than me. Thanks Kate! ____________________________________________________________________________________

That’s the round up for this week! Stay tuned for this weeks hot and heavy moments!

 

The Dodgers Bullpen is GASSED

The Dodgers bullpen in 2016 was fantastic and no small part of why the team not only remained competitive but won the Division and NLDS. The bullpen boys pitched a league leading 575.1 innings, holding down a 3.24 ERA, giving them the honors of number one ranked bullpen in the Majors this year. However, the cracks are starting to show as the bullpen workload continues this postseason. Skipper Dave Roberts has leaned heavily on his bullpen, having them pitch 42 innings. The results have been less than stellar with 25 runs given up (20 earned) and a 4.29 ERA.

One can hardly bemoan the bullpen that got the Dodgers this far. However, it goes without saying that to win two more in Chicago for the opportunity to face Cleveland in the World Series, the bullpen will need far more impressive performances than we have seen this postseason thus far.

I ain’t afraid of no GOAT…

There is a lot of talk about goats as NLCS Game 6 between the Dodgers and Cubs, as the Cubs look to advance to the World Series for the first time since 1945 and the Dodgers counter with the greatest pitcher of his generation, the man, the myth, the legend, the GOAT, Clayton Kershaw.

The history of the billy goat and the Cubs is well known. In 1945, Billy Sianis, the owner of the Billy Goat Tavern was told to leave during Game 4 of the World Series because his pet goat (yes, really) was hindering the experience of his fellow fans. The man allegedly said, “Them Cubs, they ain’t gonna win no more”. With the league ERA leader Kyle Hendricks pitching tonight, the Cubs are a game away from appearing in the Fall Classic for the first time since Billy and his pet goat were there with them.

The history of Clayton Kershaw is still being written. Kershaw has won three Cy Young awards and one league MVP award, boasting the lowest ERA and WHIP in the live ball era. He is a force on the mound but has battled a post-season narrative that painted him as a “choker” in the playoffs. He has done much to dispel the narrative this October, pitching three times on short rest, including once in a save-situation, leading the Dodgers to victory in all four games he has appeared in. Despite his success, one bad start tonight could be the added fuel that dissenters need to give new life to the weakening narrative.

The game should be fantastic if both Hendricks and Kershaw pitch up to their talent level. Only time will tell which narrative will continue when the dust settles from this Dodger/Cubs series: the curse of the Billy Goat or the curse of Kershaw in the playoffs?

What was Kiké Hernandez doing on first base in NLCS Game 5?

If you didn’t watch Game 5 of the NLCS, Jon Lester pitched a gem, allowing only 5 hits, 1 ER and striking out 6 through 7. The Dodgers had reasonable success against him in Game 1 of the NLCS, due in no small part to getting into Lester’s head early, disrupting his rhythm and taking monstrous leads when they did get on base.

It appeared they had ever intention of repeating that game plan after Kiké Hernandez drew a lead-off walk he literally at one point was 25 feet off the bag, gyrating wildly. However, all that dancing was for nothing since he didn’t actually make any attempt to steal second! Even more frustrating was that Seager hit a single and had Hernandez just trotted to second with one of his massive leads, he would have scored easily.

This is how I felt when Hernandez failed to steal and ultimately advance:

I saw some people saying that Lester is quick to the plate, hence why the Dodgers were hesitant to steal, but I don’t care if Lester laser beams that ball to the plate faster than the speed of sound, if you have a 25 foot lead and aren’t getting checked back to the bag, you damn well better be going on first movement. If you get thrown out by Grandpa Ross, tip your cap and move on. Otherwise your silly dance moves just make you look like an asshole.

 

The NFL’s REAL QB Problem

It is no secret the NFL has a fundamental QB problem.

A team is starting THIS MAN as QB:

Joe Flacco and his gratuitous eyebrow

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t talk to me about elite. Don’t talk to me about QB play. Talk to me about the issue of declining level of QB attractiveness. It’s the conversation no one is having.

A girl can only sustain herself on the Brady, Newton, Smith combo for so long. I said a silent pray thanking Jesus himself when this beautiful specimen unsheathed his head from his helmet.

jimmy-garoppolo-hot

 

 

 

 

Ohhhhh heeeeeey boy! <3 <3 <3

But back to the issue at hand. Why are so many QBs lacking in the cute gene? How does Cutler feel about that issue?

Jay Cutler rough

That is the face of utter despair at the lack of QB hotties. I feel ya Jay.

What is causing this dire issue? Is the youth football pipeline drying up as more and more mothers enlist their cute sons in sports where helmets won’t obstruct views of their beautiful faces? The NFL needs to launch an investigation. I will not rest till we give this issue the attention it deserves.

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The Giants as Office Supplies: A metaphor

The San Francisco Giants had the best record in baseball going into the All-Star Break. Two of their three dominant pitchers were selected to the All-Star Game, one of whom started. Even year magic was in full effect, and collective groans across the Southland were heard as the Dodgers trailed by 6.5 games. But since then, things have been well…

a dumpster on fire

Yikes. The Giants have had the worst record in baseball and are on pace to have the worst Giants record of the second half, ever. 

Perhaps most puzzling is why? Nothing about the team is fundamentally different from the first half. The best way to explain life’s greatest mysteries is through needlessly complex or absurd metaphors, so with that I bring you: THE GIANTS AS OFFICE SUPPLIES.

Buster Posey:

The most fundamental, integral part of the office: the coffee pot. When the coffee isn’t flowing, the work isn’t either. To make matters worse, it seems this coffee pot has a small fissure, resulting in hot coffee all over the floor rather than into your throat.

Johnny Cueto:

The shiny, new Mac computer that the social media and design team insisted on purchasing despite budget constraints. You are hoping to squeeze as much productivity out of it as possible before the newer Macs come out and you are forced to upgrade.

Madison Bumgarner:

The paper shredder. Destroys all that get in its way, but recently you’ve noticed some mechanical issues. Some days it can’t seem to handle the staples and you aren’t sure why.

 

Santiago Casilla:

That old printer that you want to go totally Office Space on, the source of your frustration and ire. Unfortunately, your CFO says that a new one is too damn expensive and the alternative printers in the office don’t print double-sided or in color or staple so you’re stuck using it in the meantime.

Eduardo Nunez:

The new ergonomic chairs brought in by human resources. It’s allegedly better for you, but you just miss the familiarity of your old workhorse.


Okay, so I’m not going through and do every player, mainly because extending the metaphor loses it’s leg after a while. How does one personify a stapler?!

Comment below with your own analogies that I totally should have thought of or tell me how smart and funny I am (or both!).

Thanks for reading!

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