The NFL’s REAL QB Problem

It is no secret the NFL has a fundamental QB problem.

A team is starting THIS MAN as QB:

Joe Flacco and his gratuitous eyebrow






Don’t talk to me about elite. Don’t talk to me about QB play. Talk to me about the issue of declining level of QB attractiveness. It’s the conversation no one is having.

A girl can only sustain herself on the Brady, Newton, Smith combo for so long. I said a silent pray thanking Jesus himself when this beautiful specimen unsheathed his head from his helmet.






Ohhhhh heeeeeey boy! <3 <3 <3

But back to the issue at hand. Why are so many QBs lacking in the cute gene? How does Cutler feel about that issue?

Jay Cutler rough

That is the face of utter despair at the lack of QB hotties. I feel ya Jay.

What is causing this dire issue? Is the youth football pipeline drying up as more and more mothers enlist their cute sons in sports where helmets won’t obstruct views of their beautiful faces? The NFL needs to launch an investigation. I will not rest till we give this issue the attention it deserves.


The Giants as Office Supplies: A metaphor

The San Francisco Giants had the best record in baseball going into the All-Star Break. Two of their three dominant pitchers were selected to the All-Star Game, one of whom started. Even year magic was in full effect, and collective groans across the Southland were heard as the Dodgers trailed by 6.5 games. But since then, things have been well…

a dumpster on fire

Yikes. The Giants have had the worst record in baseball and are on pace to have the worst Giants record of the second half, ever. 

Perhaps most puzzling is why? Nothing about the team is fundamentally different from the first half. The best way to explain life’s greatest mysteries is through needlessly complex or absurd metaphors, so with that I bring you: THE GIANTS AS OFFICE SUPPLIES.

Buster Posey:

The most fundamental, integral part of the office: the coffee pot. When the coffee isn’t flowing, the work isn’t either. To make matters worse, it seems this coffee pot has a small fissure, resulting in hot coffee all over the floor rather than into your throat.

Johnny Cueto:

The shiny, new Mac computer that the social media and design team insisted on purchasing despite budget constraints. You are hoping to squeeze as much productivity out of it as possible before the newer Macs come out and you are forced to upgrade.

Madison Bumgarner:

The paper shredder. Destroys all that get in its way, but recently you’ve noticed some mechanical issues. Some days it can’t seem to handle the staples and you aren’t sure why.


Santiago Casilla:

That old printer that you want to go totally Office Space on, the source of your frustration and ire. Unfortunately, your CFO says that a new one is too damn expensive and the alternative printers in the office don’t print double-sided or in color or staple so you’re stuck using it in the meantime.

Eduardo Nunez:

The new ergonomic chairs brought in by human resources. It’s allegedly better for you, but you just miss the familiarity of your old workhorse.

Okay, so I’m not going through and do every player, mainly because extending the metaphor loses it’s leg after a while. How does one personify a stapler?!

Comment below with your own analogies that I totally should have thought of or tell me how smart and funny I am (or both!).

Thanks for reading!